“From Richmond with Love” - The 007 Tour

Every year about this time, I get an e mail from the Chairman (that’d be “Nick Nack” 00½) asking me to write a report on last season’s tour….yeah right…as if I can remember what happened in the alcoholic mists of time that is tour week.

This year the theme was “Bond 2”007” and as well as a magnificent tour brochure, an extravagant array of tuxedo and tour T shirts were provided by Jimbo Planet White (”Renard” 0023) which had already bankrupted the tour coffers before we’d even arrived (much to the annoyance of our own “00” as Treasurer elect, good start that! Well as Tour Manager (“Plenty O’Toole” 001) I will do my best to recall those events I’m allowed to (tour rules always apply), safe in the knowledge that no one else has the remotest idea what happened either and anyone feeling confident enough to challenge me stands first in line to replace me as the next Tour Manger (I’ve been trying to resign for three years now - only those qualified in organising T&E oversized children with a degree in herding cats need apply!)

Tour week is traditionally the second week in August (put the date in your diary now for 2008). For the last 37 years (who says Richmond CC men are creatures of habit) we have travelled to the Cotswolds where for the last 29 of which we have stayed at the Lygon Arms in Chipping Campden under the tender care of landlord Ivor Potter (“top gear”) and more watchful eye of wife Mary and daughter Sandra, chief barmaid “Little Jo” (more metaphorical than descriptive these days) and an assortment of Gallic and Slavic tax exiles. This year remarkably we arrived at the same place with the same 5 fixtures lined up. There was also a remarkable similarity in the names and faces who attended (with a couple of notable and welcome exceptions) a subject to which I will return below at some point.

Monday 6th August - Frocester - Nestled in the countryside somewhere between the M5 and junction 17 of the M4 and several country lanes more, we’ve played here for ever (since 1974) when Cronks was just out of school and Terry Woram was only 60. It’s a quaint Gloucestershire village but is home to a thriving cricket club with players called Nogger and the like. Tour veterans/traditionalists arrive after 18 holes of golf at Stinchcombe Hill GC (the Tour Manager only managed to complete 12 holes but magnanimously cut short his round -it is of little relevance that I was playing so badly that I’d run out of patience, room on the scorecard and balls I’d borrowed from my marketing department and didn’t want to start losing TopFlyte remoulds I’d bought myself) to ensure the other tourists had managed to assemble at The Gordon Arms Pub in the village. True to form and on time the Goreybus had delivered the fruit and vegetables side order suitably marinaded with Budweiser. Eventually after negotiating the toss to allow us to bat, the remaining golfers yet to arrive at the ground (courtesy of playing 18 holes behind Jimbo), and under Spud (“Q” 0020), wielding his MCC Captain’s handbook of innovative pre-war cricket tactics, a blend of yoof (Balshy “Yo Yo Thug” -004) and experience (Coops “Dr. No” 0026) opened up under strict instructions from the Tour Manager to “hang around” given the lack of replacements. Balshy proceeded to hit the first ball up in the air which was thankfully dropped by an equally surprised teenage opponent after which he never looked back in anger and struck the first century of tour whilst Coops amassed 7 runs at the other end. Eventually a “legends” side had assembled on the boundary which was just as well as Lenny the Lightbulb 0013 “virgin tourist” went for a tour first ball golden duck LBW. Whinger (“Bambi” 0015) was then outscored by his Canadian Ice Hockey pal “Unit” and Drew tried to run himself out each ball still suffering from 3 hours in the GoreyLooneybus with Wolfie (“Odd Jobs” 00) and a crate of bud (ha ha ha!). It took the calming and larger than life/waist of Pacman (“Sir Gustav Graves” 0025) to smite 50 off 25 balls and Spud to kick 4 and hit 8 (50% risk reward) to finally take us to 280 for 7 at 4:50 exactly (that’s when the MCC Captain’s handbook of innovative pre-war cricket tactics says you have to declare!).

In reply Trails (Tour manager) trundled down the hill down wind for a few overs and an early breakthrough (batsman played too early). The match then descended into “standby” mode with a 14 year old batting for 2 hours for 5 runs and Spud’s decision to bowl “Alf” Roberts (“Scaramanga” 0026) unchanged for no reward for 40 overs (or something like that). Eventually, after most of us had lost the will to continue/live, PAC Bail’s Mr Kipling’s assorted leg breaks (some were very in fact exceedingly good) ran through the order like Pepto-Bismol through a gastrointestinal duct. After PAC was incapable of continuing (it was a large effort on his part), with No.10 holding firm at one end, eventually…. (and I again use that word advisedly), the MCC Captain’s handbook of innovative pre-war cricket tactics allowed the obligatory two overs from a quickie and the ball was tossed to Lennie the Lightbulb with 12 balls to despatch the hapless No.11 rabbit at the other end. 12 balls later, not a single one even near the woodwork and with Alf at second slip grumbling that his shins were in more danger, the match concluded with Frocester at 160 for 9, a score bore draw.

Fines followed, including the handing out of Tour kit including a magnificent “Green One” prepared by the Tour manager and Jimbo’s T Shirts (white tie day wear and tuxedo evening wear) which more than met expectations as well as exceeding all budgetary restraints imposed. Consequently more fines had to follow. The annual race to the Lygon ensued with games night and shots everywhere as Claire and her entourage arrived. Bed at daybreak. The only damage to report was Gorey inadvertently tapping too hard at a bar window and putting his fist through it. Fortunately once patched up he was able to put it to better use later.

Tuesday 7th August - Ombersley (for some) - golf at The Vale (for others). I was in the golf at The Vale party so have little idea what went on at the cricket (it’s a ruddy cricket tour I can here Coops “Dr No” 006 saying). The pre match annual bowls contest at “The Bowling Green Pub” at Hadley resulted in Greg (”Thumper” 00any postcode you like”) and Wolfie retaining their crown green bowls title against Gorey and Crusher. Spender (“Peaceful Fountains of Desire” 009) and Deaks (“Dr Molly Warmflesh” 005) beat Drew and Lenny (must have been a tough contest that..) albeit with numerous loud brummie interruptions from Archoy (“Bloefeld” 0011). Anyway, so I’m told, the facts and the figures in the cricket are that Richmond won the toss and got 198 declared off 38 overs (of note was the Balchy doubled up and scored another century - first back to back century on Tour that I can remember - although tour statistician Lol (“Goldfingers” 002) will no doubt correct me!) and Wolfie bashed 30 odd off about 8 balls trying to hit the ball into the local village about half a mile away (after the game that evening he told me he was trying to get the ball to reach the famous local pie shop, sad thing, after all these years of playing cricket and he still can’t remember that the batsman doesn’t have to fetch back the ball). Anyway, with the help of some Aussie on the Worcester staff, Ombersley knocked them off easily for just 3 wickets. Result (for those still troubled by scoring - that’s half the 2ndXI given the amount of time I’ve spent in the scorebox this year) Lost by 7 wickets.
The evening didn’t get off well with the now regular Tuesday evening argument (Ed. nothing to do with lack of sleep and too many beers on Monday evening of course) with those selected for the Ombersley team bemoaning something about the golfers and non-selected tourists not pulling their weight by failing to turn up to umpire and score and leaving it all to the cricketers. Rather than just accept that they were correct and apologise (which they were, I might add) Clint Thrust (“Baron Samedi” 0017 - he wanted to be “007” but unfortunately the printers made a screen print error) insisted in unnecessarily prolonging the argument by suggesting that he had been on tour for over 70 years and could do whatever he liked. Eventually everyone agreed to ignore him and the evening progressed in the normal fashion without further incident.

Wednesday 8th August - Stratford Bards

The annual RCC CC Golf Tournament took place at Ingon Manor. Close call for some (but not others) and Spud was narrowly pipped to the post on a back 9 count back by Jimbo although the former got some consolation in the nearest to the pin comp. Alf Roberts was as usual winner of the Longest Drive. Just for once we managed to arrive in time at Stratford Bards (and fine Coops for not arriving before us). We won the toss, batted and put 212 all out on the board off 46 overs (Balshy again got 80 odd…). In reply the Bards folded, probably undone by the sudden introduction of age and weight into the tour side by the arrival on tour of Terry Woram “00 0ld” and Dipak Palma. Cronks (“Jaws” 003) enjoyed watching the nearby race horses get frisky with Raymbo or was it the other way round. Oh yeah, and Nick Nack got 6 for 60 with some flighted strictly nets filth (well I suppose had to mention it didn’t I!) Moving on swiftly, the evening in the bar was legendary. It started with a trip down memory lane for the experienced bar staff and old timer tourists (whilst the younger lot went off in search of cider and Morris Dancers in another pub) with a number of new “deprived” revelations for some who hadn’t realised quite how local some locals can be when it comes to dangerous liaisons. Later, with the return of the lager/cider louts Lenny stepped up to emulate many great names past and take the “Spoons” world title with an all round performance worthy of a Victor “Ladel”orum award. He then topped it up with a sole performance in the Wellington Bomber. Tired of laughing we all went to bed at sunrise.

Thursday 8th August - Exhall & Wixford

How, I hear you all ask, can I have such superb recall of events after all this time. Well, I made notes each day (like what all good tour managers do). Trouble is, on Thursday the Tour manager had to return to the office in London for some important meetings (despite falling asleep during one of them in the afternoon - about which no more should be said). Consequently from here on in I am reliant on the recollections of the remaining tourists. ‘Nuff said. All I know or could extract from the sad remnants of once talented tourists was that we Lost. I think we got 170 odd declared with Archoy Yoda dibbing and dabbing for several hours and the combined gravitas (sorry, weight) of Dipak and Greg a partnership of 60 odd. They got them for 8 down....Dom “Countdown” (can I have another consonant please, Carol) arrived on tour and bowled like he hadn’t been there all week, which he hadn’t, and so went for lots but (oh no) I still can’t believe it, Nick Nack got a hat trick. No idea what happened in the evening except that Clint Thrust managed to wear all 8 of his bond fancy dress outfits in the Lygon bar and everyone else was in another pub. No, sorry that’s not right..it was a very good evening.

Friday 9th August - Bourton Vale

From all accounts a bad tempered unfriendly affair which we lost easily but with one of their players verbally abusing our umpire for which I understand his club subsequently banned him..good job too or the Tour manager’s pen would have been called into action. No one can remember the scores and as far as I can tell, no one really cared.

A magnificent tour as always and if I haven’t mentioned you personally then my apologies, I’m the wrong side of senile these days.

If you struggle with the written word and would like to see pictures of tour then can I recommend that you follow this link to review a slideshow of GoldFingers Lol’s fabulous tour photo album.

http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/allan8575/RCCTour2007?authkey=oKHbA6Id78A